Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
