Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
