I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
