Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
