Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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