i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
