soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
