I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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