You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
