I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Floor bacon is actually really good
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