Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
