I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize