Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
