I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
