I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
