I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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