I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
