Capitaan dildo arrescate!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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