I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize