i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize