You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
