seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
