i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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