every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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