we have officially lost it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize