I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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