I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We got so high we made milksteak
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize