So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
