nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize