You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
