so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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