just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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