T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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