she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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