If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
