Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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