I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
