I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
