Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
