so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
