I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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