just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
