I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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