really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just gargled with NyQuil
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize