I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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