why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
