I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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