It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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