he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
