ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
