It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
