You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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