I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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