I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
