In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize