So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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