I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
