I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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