I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You smell like stripper and shame
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
no you cant smoke seaweed
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
