someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
