So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
