On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
They have beer where we have blood.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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