im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
